a strong feeling
Monday, May 04, 2020
i guess this is it.
you’re finally here landing on my
blog post.
another guy, another heart break, another disappointment.
years has gone by since the first time i met you, and i kept
telling myself “no, the story isn't finished yet” every time i wanted to tell the world
about how i felt towards you.
because i knew that once you’re
here, that means i’ve reached the end of the story. and at that time, i was too
vulnerable to face the reality. i was too sick to accept that the ending was nothing like i've ever imagined.
the end isn’t going to change what
im going to write tho.
loving you was such a journey. it
was a neverending roller coaster and i had never got to see the finish line.
everything’s blurred, and the ride was full of obstacles... until now.
--
you were the first guy that i
really looked up to. it was never just as simple as ‘im willing to give you
everything’—it was always more and more when it comes to you. everything that
i’ve already had will never be enough and the situation challenged me to keep improving and be
better.
at that time, i was madly in love that i never really doubted my choice which was to be by your side for the rest of my life (omg guys love makes us went nuts). but there's also another thing that im really
sure of, which was this:
to be the lucky one, i should be worthy of you. i need to be equal
to you.
and thats where i got the courage
to, well, do anything possible to prove that im the one thats worthy.
let me take us back to our first meeting. it was 2016 (actually it was 2014 but both of us weren't single at that time), which was one of the worst time of my
life. you were there being ‘the magnificent you’ as usual:
the multitalented smartass. the one who’s genius (or lucky?) enough to reach
both of your dream jobs: a doctor & a teacher. the one with such gorgeous
smile that was drooled by hundreds. the one with that sweet and flirty words. but also the one whose been warned to me by almost everyone to not being too attached to..
ah... what a sweet memory...... :(
you came into my life and got me
blinded by your charm. im not going to blame you for that tho, since im the one who was lost and looking for something to hold onto.
i was just a broken high school girl who absolutely knew that it was nearly impossible to
get you to like me. like really?? im crushing on a real doctor... the chances were super slim, no joke! :))
well, the early phase was nothing but fun and games. we just knew each other and it was obvious that i got a crush on you. even though i was crazy to hope for something more, what i felt back then was real and sincere.
years passed by and we didn't get to
meet each other for some period of time. we could only saw each others' life update through social media. and of course, my feeling for you was faded... slowly but not completely. it was still there
somewhere deep in my heart, waiting for the right time to come.
(i skipped the following two years since there aren't much to tell, but we got to see each other occasionally.. mostly at concerts lol)
now lets fast forward to the peak of the story—2019.
i could say that i’ve changed a lot
since the last time we met. physically, mentally, emotionally... i feel like
i’ve grown up and become ‘mature enough’ to be the one that suits you (now you can tell that im persistent but so does my madness).
this was the time when fate let our paths crossed again. and lets be honest here: i’ve prayed hard for those time to come. the time where we could actually working together on some projects so that i could get to know you better and we could actually have 'real talk' as friends. i was so grateful that God has granted my prayer cause it means that we would see each
other frequently lol. it was a dream come true, and i remember that i promised
to live and appreciate every moment to the fullest.
it was truly a relief that i could finally know you in person. to be honest i kinda considered you as one of my good friends tho since you were actually kind to me back then (its so weird for me to say something like this now sorry). despite of what everyone has told me, which was mostly your ugly sides (which was also true by the way!!!), you were somehow understanding and encouraging. now i dont even know if it was objective tho since i was madly in love with you remember......
however, there were some points in my life where i couldn’t differ the feelings i had for you: is it love or is it an
obsession?
somewhere between 2018/2019 before our project started, i keep questioning my feelings since i was afraid that it was all just my obsession to get you on your knees. but yeah we will continue to talk about it later!!!
okay now let me go back the beautiful parts of the story. we got closer, (still as friends, i've always been the only one who got the butterflies lol) everything was perfect. i spent most of my time talking to you, whether it was a project discussion or just a light conversation in the middle of the night. these was the moment when i realized that we actually had so much things in common: the stubbornness, the hard-willingness, and the countless amount of time that we spent for 'contemplating about marriage and the future' hahaha..
to be honest it was quite fun and motivating to talk to someone who's incredibly smart like you. there's also the dining out nights after the rehearsals (with the others of course), the singapore trip, and so many more things that we've done together.
it was everything that i could ever wish for. my hopeless romantic ass thought that it was the part of my life where im starting to get to know my 'significant other', and that the only thing i would write about you in my blog was the story of how i met my husband.. (pardon the insanity im trying to keep it as real as possible :'( )
but all of sudden, God's change of plans turned it all upside down... so yeah.
--
i dont even know if i could say that it was love tho, but somehow i know that this strong feeling is as real as you can imagine. i've done so many things to make myself 'suitable' for you, and i had never really cared about how many times people warned me to stay away from you... all i know is that i've done something terribly wrong:
i shouldn't have put my high hopes on anyone rather than God Himself.
this is the first lesson that i learned from the story and it stabbed me quite hard. God's change of plan was, no doubt, one of the hardest time for me cause i just cant bear the sickness of the truth. it was a real hard pill to swallow... everything's sucks. he was a total disappointment, but so did i. if you're thinking that im furious with how everything's turned out, IM NOT. on the contrary, i thanked God many many times that He has shown me the ugly truth.
another thing that i learned was that, no matter how the endings turned out, now i know myself way better than before. i know that im persistent and i could possibly do anything if i put my mind to it. and i shouldn't settle for anything less than what i deserve (you should too). i realized that i was blinded (DEFINITELY), and now i know that i deserve so much more than just a cute face and a title...
well.
--
you're probably thinking why i wrote this post (and some others) as if im talking directly to the person... the reason is that, this is actually some kind of confession that i never get the chance to say. i wrote it this way so that IF ONLY someday he'd find his way to my blog post... he will know what's actually going in my head.
and now that you're probably reading it, you should know that i never meant any harm to you. i saw you as one of my good friend and im hoping that your kindness is still there, somewhere deep down in your heart. i hope you could finally find the light at the end of the tunnel someday, and you will become a much better person just like what everyone's expecting you to be. its not easy to find out that the one that i adore the most was the biggest disappointment in my life... and i really wish that i could be the last one among the others that would feel this way about you.
thank you for the unforgettable journey.
xoxo,
your former number one fan
2 comments
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ReplyDeletea very ugly truth indeed
ReplyDeletesay anything you wanna say