dear, you.

if only you knew, 

its been a year, but still, the feeling lingers.

if only you knew,

not a day goes by without me thinking about you.

if only you knew,

that im devastated, angry, betrayed... for knowing what you did.

if only you knew,

that the mixture of all this feelings, they are overwhelming me.

if only you knew,

that if i had the chance, i'd love to pour all my emotions to you, 

so you can understand how much it pains me.

if only you knew, 

that i still read all the things you said to me, i remember it all too well.

if only you knew,

that it hurts to see you being with someone else, don't you remember what you said to me?

"mungkin perasaan kita sudah bulat, dan bentar. kita cuma ketemu di waktu yang kurang baik."

if only you knew,

how much it pains me to see myself being replaced so easily,

with someone whom you said you weren't even interested in. you said it to me, plenty of times.

if only you knew,

that i spent the last year suffering, trying my best to let go of you, all the thoughts of you.

if only you knew,

that sometimes it works. but not all the time.

if only you knew,

that i've had nightmares, i've had wonderful dreams,

you showed up in mine, lots of times. they had always been the beautiful ones.

if only you knew, 

all the bad things that i experienced,

would you still have the heart to hurt me all over again?

if only you knew,

would this all be different?

and, if only you knew,

would there be a chance for both of us?

if only you knew,

that i miss you so much. i cannot bear it.

if only you knew,

that my favorite memory of you was the moment when i can see right through your eyes, 

when i sat there right in front of you, and you listened carefully to every word i said,

even just for a second,

those wide eyes are the ones i would never forget.

i don't know if there would be a chance for us in the future.

but,

if the fate has been written,

and i could never see your face again,

at least, i wish you would know it all.

with love, nedita